May updates on Me and the Family

....................ME.............

This week has been alittle emotional for me. Quite a few times I have not been able to hold back my tears. I had already guessed that as soon as Spring began that it would become alittle more difficult for me and I think the kids too. Spring and summer were the 2 seasons that we did alot of family stuff and just simply being around each more together. I've been also thinking alot about the things that just Philip and I would do together. One of the things we enjoyed was going for rides on his Fatboy Harley Davidson Bike. There has been hundreds of them around lately because of the fantastic weather. I really miss those rides and seeing how excited he would get to finally ride his "baby". He even had my name made in chrome and had it installed on the bike,'GINA'. We had alot of good times on that bike. I will never forget all the trips we took and I have hundreds of photos to prove it. The only problem is....I can't tell which trip is which!
This past week I have also seen a lovely psychiatrist. I feel very comfortable with her.I had decided 2 or 3 months ago that it would be in my best interest to see one. My life has been turned upside down and I have 4 children who are under my care. They deserve a mom who will care for them in the best way possible. In order to do that, I need to make sure my mind is healthy too. I have been trying to deal with alot of different things in the most positive ways possible. There are just sooo many things and I sometimes feel over-whelmed. I've read some good books and talked to some friends and family who gave me some advice. So, I guess I'm sort of winging it and I just want to make sure I'm making the correct decisions where my kids are concerned and even for myself. I want to have the best guidance ever and who else can I receive that from, but a professional? Needless to say, my first session went well and I even shed a few tears.Eventually I would like the kids to see her when they are ready. I will play it by ear. I will be seeing her for as long as it takes......until I feel comfortable......... in my heart.

....................MY FAMILY....................
Anthony.....
I didn't end up going to the trailer park again because Anthony injured his foot on Sat. evening. He accidently jumped on a long rusted nail, which apparently nicked his heel bone. He's doing o.k now with his antibiotics and salt-baths for his foot. He also received a tetnus shot. I just wanted to keep an eye on him for any problems. Anthony has been handling things o.k. He has been behaving well. Nothing out of the ordinary or to complain about. He is just alittle edgy sometimes. Although I worry about him because he doesn't talk about his feelings a whole lot. He says he doesn't really talk about Dad too much with his friends anymore, so, I will make an effort to talk about some good times he had with his Dad.

Marina.....
She has been handling things o.k too. I guess it's easier for a girl to show emotions because they are not criticized for it and it is acceptable. Marina also gets edgy sometimes for no apparent reason. She talks to me all the time and doesn't hesitate to ask questions or tell me how she is feeling. I encourage her to continue to do this. Marina has been seeing a grieving counselor through the school. She comes to see her on a 'one on one' basis, once a week, at the school. She has just finished doing a 'memory album' with pictures of her dad. She seemed quite proud of it. So far, Marina seems to be working through her grieving in a good way.

Rafael......
He has been one angry little boy lately. He has been quite the challenge for me. He's really got me worried. I've also spoke to his teacher and he has been very edgy at school too. He hasn't been very nice to his classmates, including the teacher. She said that it's under control now, but it can easily get worse. She understands why he is being this way and really feels badly for him. Rafael is also seeing the same grieving counselor as Marina. Rafael says he really likes his counselor, which is a good thing. What will happen when school is out? I'm definitely going to have him see the same lady as I'm seeing. If I let this go, he will spiral out of control. He is constantly getting in heated arguments with all of us at home, especially me. I'm his main target. He is almost always defiant with me and it makes me very angry and frustrated. I've already lost it with him twice this week. I am a very patient person..........but Rafael is really really working it. Sometimes he just doesn't stop. Next thing you know I have Anthony, Marina and Sara yelling at Rafael to stop making Mom so upset. This has only happened a hand-full of times and thats more then enough for me. I just hope I get the right kind of help for him before things get worse.
He is really my sensitive, loveable, affectionate boy with a fire in his eyes.

Sara.....
She is doing quite well considering all that she has had to deal with since she has been home. To name a few.....daily visits at the orphanage with her new mamma & papa that were basically strangers to her, leaving the orphanage with us, first car-ride and long airplane ride to Canada, learning another language, adjusting with her new family, living in a new home, eating different foods, dealing with losing her papa etc. etc. It's a wonder to me that she is not acting more like Rafael. Although, she has let out her anger in a few 'holding times'. She's still alittle confused about the way the family unit is now. She totally caught me off guard one day when she asked,"Will I be getting a new Daddy?" For a moment I was left speachless. She then went on saying how much she misses her Daddy giving her' big big hugs'. Before I said anything, I put myself in her shoes to better understand where she was coming from. I gently told her that she wouldn't be getting a new daddy and that she already had a daddy.......in her heart........and he loves you so so much and I'm sure daddy misses giving you hugs like before. She just cried and cried and cried and I didn't know what else to do but cry with her. I think this reaction from Sara was her missing her fathers physical affection. I feel so badly for her.

About 3 weeks ago, I put Sara in a pre-school about 5 minutes from home. My long time friend, Christine, (since kindergarten!) has a daycare/preschool right in her own home. She has a perfect setting and Sara was familiar with the place and people. She has been there a few times already to play with Christines 5 yr old daughter Juliana. I thought she would be most comfortable here for preparation of J-K in September. I registered her for J-K in April. Sara goes to pre-school every Tues. and Wed. from 9:30 am to 3:30 pm. Apparently she has a great time and she tells me so, when I pick her up. She is no trouble at all and she follows all the rules. The only problem is that she gets very upset when I have to leave her. Last Tues. she really started to cry after I said good-bye to her in the morning. It totally broke my heart. I left as quickly as possible and I cried all the way home. As soon as I got home I called Chris and she assured me that I barely got out the door and she was on a swing, singing! She said this could go on for about a month, before she is confident that I WILL come back to pick her up everytime. I just hope I can last that long!
I've also signed Sara up for swimming lessons. We've been going since the beginning of April. It's a moms & tots thing. We have a fantastic time together and she is like a fish in the water! She goes under the water and opens her eyes and jumps in and loves to float on her back. The classes go to the first week of June. In august, I would like to sign her up for, Ballet. Sara has inquired about it quite a few times. The classes start in September. I think she will have a blast. She loves dancing.

For now I will leave you's all with our latest update...........................................
Take care all and God Bless!
Gina

Spring brings new beginnings...................

Spring brings new beginnings...........as it did today.
Today was the first weekend our trailer park opened. Every year Philip and I would bring the kids to our family sized camper on the first weekend of May. We would always be so excited and anxious to see our dear friends again after the long winter. We would look forward to spending a relaxing and fun weekend with our family and friends.
Shortly after Philip passed away, I had decided to continue going to the trailer-park with the kids. We all know how much Philip loved being at the park. Plus the kids needed to have some sort of stability and familiar plans for each season that passes. I think I would feel like I was wiping away a part of Philip if I had decided not to go at all and sell the trailer. We made many good memories there together and I don't want the kids to forget about them. I look forward to sitting around the campfire with the kids and my dear trailer-park friends and talk about the many memories Philip made for us and many people in the park.
So, today we had one of our new beginnings on this beautiful spring day..............

This day began with my good friends, Bill and Richard ringing my door-bell. They had come to help move my 5th-wheel camper out of storage and pull it to the trailer park. They were even going to set it all up for me, so it was ready to use. Silvo (my brother-in-law) had offered to pull the camper with his truck. He had the proper stuff installed in the back of the truck a few weeks before. The only problem we had today was not being able to find the keys to open the camper. I searched high and low with no such luck in finding them. Well the guys thought of asking the park owners if they possibly had a spare key for emergencies. Smart thinking guys! They had a key! This gave them the opportunity to open the camper up and hook up the gas, water and electricity. The kids and I arrived when they were all done. We saw some of our friends along the way and they were so happy to see us and even said so. It felt good to see them again. They reminded us that we have alot of good friends here and they are always there for anything we need. I had brought Bill, Richard and Silvo some food and drink. That is the least I could have done today. I plan on inviting them over for a huge spaghetti and meatball dinner in appreciation for what they did for me.
Bill and Richard have been so good to me and the kids and their friendship means so much to me. Silvo has been great. He has been helping us left, right and center. I feel so grateful for all that they have done and I'm positive Philip is looking down at you's with the biggest smile you ever saw.
Thank-You from the bottom of my heart.
After the boys left, Anthony and I began to do some cleaning up. I cleaned indoors and Anthony cleaned up outside. Marina and Rafael went exploring and Sara was checking out all the forgotten toys that had been hibernating in the camper during the winter. We originally were all excited about coming. The weather was perfect and our campsite welcomed us with memories of the past summer spent here. Everything was the same as we had left it. Somehow we all slowly found ourselves feeling sad from missing Philip being there. We didn't really talk to each other about it and I think we all didn't really want to either. I decided on this first day without our beloved Philip.......we needed to digest this moment together in a peaceful silence. I'm sure the kids were thinking about memories they had with their father as I also was remembering. I know today was alittle difficult for all of us. I am hoping that the difficult days will eventually lessen and we will enjoy our lives like Philip so desparately wanted for us to do. I have decided to continue coming to the campsite mainly for this reason.
I accomplished alot of cleaning and I plan on coming again tomorrow to finish up and fill the fridge and cupboards with food and drink. I also want to get started on my little garden that I have here.
I hope my decision to return to the campsite is a good one. I will try to be as optimistic as possible on the beginning of our 'new beginning' on this beautiful spring day....................................

May the warmth of the spring sun bring a smile to everyone's face....................................................
Take care everyone,
Gina