Has this really happened??

Has this really happened to us??
I am still asking myself this question. Part of me is still in shock. I feel like I am in a butterfly's cocoon. I wish this was all a bad dream and I will finally wake up and my Philip will be home again..........

As many of you already know that on the morning of Wed. January 3rd 2007, I lost my husband Philip in a fatal car accident. No warning.......no nothing........He was just suddenly gone from our lives. This is difficult for me to post about as I've already paused to shed a tear. However, I know that I must begin to talk about what has happened. I know in my heart this will help me on this grieving journey that has suddenly become my reality. I barely remember the days that followed. I was doing the motions but I felt like I wasn't there. I do remember the many many friends and family that totally surrounded me and the children everyday. My parents dropped everything and flew in from Florida to stay with me. My dear sister and brother-in-law literally took over the arrangements, announcments etc. Only asking me for final decisions. Silvo also got his band together at the last minute and wrote & sang a beautiful song about Philip. It is called,"The Biggest Heart". It was part of the eulogy that Silvo decided to do also at the funeral mass. I have been over-whelmed with the amount of support and help we have received and are still receiving. I will always be very very grateful for everything everyone has done. It totally warms my heart in every sense of the word.

Philip touched many many hearts. I was aware that he knew many people when he was on this earth with us. The funeral home visits and the actual funeral proved to me and the kids, just how much he was loved. The funeral home director, Barbara, was amazing. She was very kind and helpful. She told me that in the 34 years that she has been running the funeral home, she has never had this amount of people come through to visit. She estimated (by the signatures in the book) over 2000 people came through in our 2-day visiting days. She also said that she has never had so many flowers at one time either. Apparently there were 3 florists in town, who had run out of flowers. At the funeral mass there were approximately over 850 people present. I'm so glad the kids could see how truly wonderful their father was to so many people. He was certainly someone to be proud of.

The children and I miss him terribly. I know they feel just as paralyzed as I feel. My 4 wonderful kids are doing good considering what has happened. My oldest son Anthony (almost 16 yrs) grew up over night. He has suddenly become so mature. Thank God he has a few amazing good friends that have been so supportive. Specifically his long time friend, Billy. He is such a good person. Anthony has broken down many times already. He was always with my brother-in-law Silvo when this happened. Silvo has helped us tremendously. He truly has taken good care of us. My oldest daughter Marina (12 yrs) has also broken down a few times and even wrote a speech about her dad as part of her school project. There wasn't a dry eye in the classroom when she said it aloud. This has helped her through her grieving. Marina also has become more mature over night. I'm also grateful to say that Marina has support from friends and her teacher, Mrs. Alward. Both Anthony and Marina are handling it considerably well with lots of support from good friends and family. I'm most worried about my youngest son Rafael. He's turning 9 this month. He has decided to not deal with it. He has bottled everything up inside. I will never forget him the morning after the accident. Rafael was sitting at the head of the table eating his breakfast. He suddenly looked up at me and asked, "Mom, when is Dad coming home?". I quietly and gently answered," Rafael, you know what happened to Daddy yesterday". He didn't say a word and it became silent. Whenever I try to talk to him about it and try to encourage him to talk to me, he just covers his ears with his hands and tells me to leave him alone. Sometimes he gets up and locks himself in the bathroom and screams,"Go away! I hate you!" Right now he's trying really hard to keep it inside by keeping really busy, 24/7. He is almost frantic in making sure he is always playing with a friend, playing video games etc. He is actually exactly the way Philip was. He was very sensitive and took things personally always. He was the most generous and considerate person you'd ever meet. At the same time he was dramatic and liked to be the life of a party. Rafael is all that and he even looks like Philip did at 9 yrs of age.
My good friend Christine, has given me some good books about grieving. I'm now getting some advise from these books. They have been helpful in beginning to help and understand myself and the kids with our grieving. I have also been making some phone calls to grieving counsellers. I would like to begin to have some counselling for myself and the kids. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things with the kids or even myself. This is a hard situation to deal with, especially when it happens so suddenly and your left with this feeling of shock. I don't want to be creating new problems without realizing it. We have enough on our plates as it is.
Now about my sweet Sara................................................................
She has been an angel sent from heaven above. Sara is truly an amazing child. She has been a saviour for me and her brothers and sister. You will not believe the things that have come out of her mouth. She has helped us through this and doesn't even know it. An example of this is the first day I took the kids to visit with their father at the funeral home. I took them a couple of hours before the very first public visits began. I wanted them to have this time alone without so many people around. I wanted them to remember this time as special. I told them every tiny little detail as I had visited with Philip the day before. I wanted them to know exactly what to expect, so they would not be afraid. As hard as it was to bring my children to see their father, I know they needed to do this so they could have some closure. As we entered the funeral home I told the kids to look at the many many flowers as we walked towards the room Philip was in. My daughter Marina began to get very upset and nervous about seeing her Dad. I gently told her not to be afraid and that we would all go in together. She still said no, so my mother offered to sit with her while we went in to visit. Sara was very anxious to see him. We went in and we quietly cried. Sara talked to him and even lovingly touched him and gave him a kiss. I then left Silvo with Anthony, Rafael and Sara. I went to sit and talk to Marina. Next thing I knew, Sara comes around the corner to where Marina was sitting. She looked right into Marina's face and lovingly put her little hand on Marina's cheek. She then said, " Marina..........don't be scared......come with me..........come and see Daddy with me...........it's O.K..........come on Marina......I hold your hand". She began to pull at Marina's sleeve. Marina began to smile and said she couldn't believe what Sara had just said. I just watched, speechless and in awe at what Sara was saying.....and she is only 3 yrs old. Eventually Marina did go in and afterwards she told me how glad she was that she visited with her Dad.
Sara is still alittle confused but now has a fairly good understanding of what has happened. She has cried many times about how much she misses her Daddy. It breaks my heart to see her like this. When she does this, I just hold her and cry with her. I tell her that I miss him alot too and I wish he was here like before. Sara has also cried out her anger recently. One particular time that I had decided to do holding time with her, she began to scream an angry cry after I asked her if she was upset about Daddy. She got so red in the face. I kept encouraging her to let it all out and told her to tell Daddy how mad she was that he wasn't here. After a little while she settled down and cried a sad cry while she cried,"I miss Daddy so much and I love him so much". We hugged each other and cried together for a bit.
I have told Sara as simple and as gently as I could about what happened to her Daddy. I told her that he got in a very big accident in his big black truck. I told her that Daddy is with Lord Jesus and the angels up in Heaven. I told her that this is Daddy's soul that went to heaven. Right now Daddy is always watching you from heaven. She then asked me why we couldn't go and visit Daddy. I told her that this is just the way it is when someone dies. We can't see or hear them like before. I then said, that right now we can always see and hear Daddy in our dreams sometimes. She seems to be content with this information for now. She has also repeated this information back to me. She is actually doing quite well.
Sara has given us all a reason to smile. She basically helps us to keep afloat and does not allow us to begin to drown in our sorrows. It is impossible to forget to smile once in awhile with Sara around us.
I pray to God to help keep our family together while we are on this journey of grieving and I thank God even more now that we have Sara in our family.
Please feel free to post your comments.
Take care and God Bless,
Gina