Updates on the last few months

WOW! Have I got alot of writing to do! I apologize for not keeping up with my blog. It has been a hectic summer. Thank you to those who have left comments. It is always great to hear from whomever is reading this blog. I suppose I will begin with Mothers Day. On this day, it was bitter/sweet for me. I enjoyed opening the home-made gifts from the kids. This was the first Mothers Day, I had received a hand-made gift from Sara. This was possible because she had begun pre-school. Sara was so excited about giving me the gift and watching me open it. She looked so proud of herself. She was really good about keeping it a secret and not telling me what it was. She had to keep it a secret for almost 4 days. She was ready to burst by Sunday! Sara made me this goodie plate. On the plate there were 3 mini-baskets that each contained something different...........little bath oils, candy and 3 smooth stones that were engraved with the words, love, faith and believe. She had painted and decorated everything. It was awesome to receive such a gift. I even took pictures of my first Mothers day gift from Sara. She also said, "Appy Moder Day Mommy!" I love you and I so appy you my foever mamma. She brought tears to my eyes and made my heart sing. I really missed not getting my red roses that day from my Philip. It is difficult not having him around on special occasions...........but there are always people who really care and speak many words through there actions.............it makes it alittle easier to put my best foot forward. I received a lovely flower arrangment from my sister Giovanna and brother-in-law Silvo. I also had my good friend Bill stop by and give me a beautiful hanging basket of red impatient flowers (my favourite colour!). He said he wanted to do it, just incase the kids forgot and because he knew Philip always gave me something on Mothers Day. I also received many phone calls from family and friends. This was all appreciated more then you'll ever know...........Thank-you. We had a really nice afternoon at my mom and dads place. Dad made an excellent bar-b-q, as always. The kids and I and nonno & nonna, played the game, "bocce ball", in the back yard. We had alot of fun together. The month of June........... This was a difficult month for me and the kids especially. About 4 days before Fathers Day, Philip's stone was finally placed on his resting spot. Sara and I call it "Daddy's spot", when we talk about it or we decide to go and visit. I received a phone call to inform me that the stone had been installed. I decided to go and visit, with all 4 kids with me. Anthony (my oldest) was not really wanting to go. He was having the hardest time with it. He didn't want to come out of the car when we arrived and decide to look from afar inside the car. I didn't force him to come out with the rest of us. We visited for about 1/2 an hour. Fathers Day was another difficult day. We came back home at the end of the day from our camp-site. They were distracted all day with there camp-ground friends, which worked out well. We went to visit "Daddy's spot" again and the kids placed there hand-made gifts there. I told them today was the day to think about the wonderful things Daddy did for them and to be thankful for the time they had with him. I told them never to forget how lucky they were to have had a father who loved them more then anything in the world. It was a difficult time, but we got through it.......together. Sometime near the end of June, I decided to go grocery shopping one day. It was just me and Sara. We were having a pretty nice day together. I did all my shopping and we were headed back home when Sara called me. I answered, "Yes Sara". I will never forget what she said, just out of the blue.............."Mamma, I so happy you adopted me. I so proud you are my mamma forever. I love you mommy."...............My eyes began to fill with tears. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. The most amazing and sweetest things come out of her mouth sometimes. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve to be the mother of this beautiful child. I feel so lucky. My response was, " Oh Sara...I'm so happy you were the one I got to adopt......I'm so proud to have adopted you and I'm so proud of you too. I love you very much". What an excellent and memorable day that was. The whole month of June was spent finishing the last month of school , swimming in our back-yard pool, family events and spending weekends in our camper at the campsite. The month of July.............. In the first week of July, the kids and I left on a road trip with my sister and brother-in-law in their 40 ft motor-home. We visited Newfoundland, Halifax and Quebec City. This was a trip that Philip and I had talked about taking. Philip really wanted to to bring the kids to NFLD for the first time to show them how beautiful it was and to finally introduce them to his dear "newphie" friends that he loved so much. He also wanted to bring them to visit Halifax. We were supposed to be travelling together with our 5th-wheel camper and Giovanna & Silvo with their motor-home. It was decided that we would definitely do this. I knew how much Philip wanted to do this and I knew how much our NFLD friends wanted us to come. This is why I accepted Silvo and Giovanna's offer to go together with them in their motor-home. Thank-you Giovanna and Silvo for evrything! I did this in memory of Philip and I know he would have wanted us to carry on his dream. I'm so glad I decided to go. Jan and George (2 of our friends) were thrilled to know we were coming, when I called. We had an excellent time with everyone there. I felt right at home with them and so did my 4 kids....100% The kids even stayed over-night at Kim & Perri's(couple of doors down from Jan & George's) house numerous times. I thought It was so nice of them to do that. It was very heart-warming to be with everyone there again. They just put us all under their wing and took care of us. The days passed too quickly and we were sad to leave after 5 days and then 2 days in the breath-taking national park, called, Grosmore Park ,just hours away. My kids did not want to leave. If they had the choice ........they would have stayed there at least another week. Everyone there was great. One day we went out on Terry & Shirl's fishing boats to see the massive and amazing ice-bergs and lobster fishing. It turned out to be a beautiful day. We then took the lobster they caught to Edith & Terry's cabin and had the most delicious feast accompanied by home-made white wine chilled with a piece of ice-berg ice. On another special day, George was kind enough to take the boys and Silvo on 4-wheelers in the bush and show them all the cabins that they stayed at when Philip came moose hunting every fall. He also showed them the spot where they caught a moose. I could go on and on. I'm really glad I decided to go because it gave the kids a chance to feel connected to their father. The kids and I would love to come visit again. I would like to say thank-you to everyone who made our stay in NFLD so special. We also had a great time in Halifax. We visited with Giovanna& Silvo's good friends Kathy & Jeff and their 3 awesome kids. They often come to visit Giovanna & Silvo. I found Halifax to be a very beautiful province to visit. Kathy and Jeff were awesome. Kathy was always cooking up a storm and one meal was always more delicious then the one before.(especially Kathy's famous clam chowder!!) They also took us to see many places like Peggy's Cove, Downtown Halifax, one of the beaches ( brrrr! coldest beachwater I ever felt!) and many other places. It was nice to finally visit their beautiful & unforgetable home, they had built on their own, inside and out. Sara enjoyed discovering & collecting her "jewels" in there back-yard sandbox. Apparently Kathy spread tons of coloured glass beads in the sand box and Sara thought she had found a treasure! Well she has now decorated our large planter with them in our front entrance. It actually looks quite nice. Thank-you Jeff and Kathy for all your kindness. I hope to see you's again soon. After Halifax, we off to the church of St. Anne De Beau Pre in Quebec city. We spent the afternoon exploring the church and its surroundings.It looked like one of those beautifully ornate churches in Europe. It was just amazing. We also kneeled at the alter and quietly prayed for our family to have the strength to continue life together with much love for one another. At one point I quietly cried to myself as I prayed to St. Anne ( was Jesus' grandmother). Afterwards we went to a campsite and rested up. The next morning we left with a shuttle bus, which took us to 'Old Quebec City'. We spent the day site-seeing, shopping and eating at a great restaurant. I really liked it. It had cobble-stone everywhere and had musicians and entertainers on every corner. There were artist outdoors, selling their paintings. It was full of streets that were constantly being travelled by horses and buggies. They looked very inviting, especially because we were so tired out walking the streets of Old Quebec City. In some areas it is very hilly and steep. You want to talk about a good work-out! well! that's the place to go. We ended up leaving the camp-site the next morning and we arrived home late that afternoon. It was a good trip, but we were all glad to be back home. Well now we have arrived in August. Soon I'll have to start preparing the kids for their new school year. Sara will begin junior kindergarten. She is very excited about it. She's been asking everyday about what day she will finally be able to go! Sara and I will go on Sept. 6th to meet her new teacher and to see her new classroom. The school wants to give the kids an opportunity to first become acquainted with the teacher, program & procedures. Sara will actually begin school on Tues. Sept. 11th. Wow! I can't believe she's starting J-K ! I'm so grateful to have had Sara at home for alittle over a year, before starting school. Well I've got to go now. I'll try to post alot sooner. Have a great rest of the summer everyone! Looking forward to reading your comments. All the best, Gina

May updates on Me and the Family

....................ME.............

This week has been alittle emotional for me. Quite a few times I have not been able to hold back my tears. I had already guessed that as soon as Spring began that it would become alittle more difficult for me and I think the kids too. Spring and summer were the 2 seasons that we did alot of family stuff and just simply being around each more together. I've been also thinking alot about the things that just Philip and I would do together. One of the things we enjoyed was going for rides on his Fatboy Harley Davidson Bike. There has been hundreds of them around lately because of the fantastic weather. I really miss those rides and seeing how excited he would get to finally ride his "baby". He even had my name made in chrome and had it installed on the bike,'GINA'. We had alot of good times on that bike. I will never forget all the trips we took and I have hundreds of photos to prove it. The only problem is....I can't tell which trip is which!
This past week I have also seen a lovely psychiatrist. I feel very comfortable with her.I had decided 2 or 3 months ago that it would be in my best interest to see one. My life has been turned upside down and I have 4 children who are under my care. They deserve a mom who will care for them in the best way possible. In order to do that, I need to make sure my mind is healthy too. I have been trying to deal with alot of different things in the most positive ways possible. There are just sooo many things and I sometimes feel over-whelmed. I've read some good books and talked to some friends and family who gave me some advice. So, I guess I'm sort of winging it and I just want to make sure I'm making the correct decisions where my kids are concerned and even for myself. I want to have the best guidance ever and who else can I receive that from, but a professional? Needless to say, my first session went well and I even shed a few tears.Eventually I would like the kids to see her when they are ready. I will play it by ear. I will be seeing her for as long as it takes......until I feel comfortable......... in my heart.

....................MY FAMILY....................
Anthony.....
I didn't end up going to the trailer park again because Anthony injured his foot on Sat. evening. He accidently jumped on a long rusted nail, which apparently nicked his heel bone. He's doing o.k now with his antibiotics and salt-baths for his foot. He also received a tetnus shot. I just wanted to keep an eye on him for any problems. Anthony has been handling things o.k. He has been behaving well. Nothing out of the ordinary or to complain about. He is just alittle edgy sometimes. Although I worry about him because he doesn't talk about his feelings a whole lot. He says he doesn't really talk about Dad too much with his friends anymore, so, I will make an effort to talk about some good times he had with his Dad.

Marina.....
She has been handling things o.k too. I guess it's easier for a girl to show emotions because they are not criticized for it and it is acceptable. Marina also gets edgy sometimes for no apparent reason. She talks to me all the time and doesn't hesitate to ask questions or tell me how she is feeling. I encourage her to continue to do this. Marina has been seeing a grieving counselor through the school. She comes to see her on a 'one on one' basis, once a week, at the school. She has just finished doing a 'memory album' with pictures of her dad. She seemed quite proud of it. So far, Marina seems to be working through her grieving in a good way.

Rafael......
He has been one angry little boy lately. He has been quite the challenge for me. He's really got me worried. I've also spoke to his teacher and he has been very edgy at school too. He hasn't been very nice to his classmates, including the teacher. She said that it's under control now, but it can easily get worse. She understands why he is being this way and really feels badly for him. Rafael is also seeing the same grieving counselor as Marina. Rafael says he really likes his counselor, which is a good thing. What will happen when school is out? I'm definitely going to have him see the same lady as I'm seeing. If I let this go, he will spiral out of control. He is constantly getting in heated arguments with all of us at home, especially me. I'm his main target. He is almost always defiant with me and it makes me very angry and frustrated. I've already lost it with him twice this week. I am a very patient person..........but Rafael is really really working it. Sometimes he just doesn't stop. Next thing you know I have Anthony, Marina and Sara yelling at Rafael to stop making Mom so upset. This has only happened a hand-full of times and thats more then enough for me. I just hope I get the right kind of help for him before things get worse.
He is really my sensitive, loveable, affectionate boy with a fire in his eyes.

Sara.....
She is doing quite well considering all that she has had to deal with since she has been home. To name a few.....daily visits at the orphanage with her new mamma & papa that were basically strangers to her, leaving the orphanage with us, first car-ride and long airplane ride to Canada, learning another language, adjusting with her new family, living in a new home, eating different foods, dealing with losing her papa etc. etc. It's a wonder to me that she is not acting more like Rafael. Although, she has let out her anger in a few 'holding times'. She's still alittle confused about the way the family unit is now. She totally caught me off guard one day when she asked,"Will I be getting a new Daddy?" For a moment I was left speachless. She then went on saying how much she misses her Daddy giving her' big big hugs'. Before I said anything, I put myself in her shoes to better understand where she was coming from. I gently told her that she wouldn't be getting a new daddy and that she already had a daddy.......in her heart........and he loves you so so much and I'm sure daddy misses giving you hugs like before. She just cried and cried and cried and I didn't know what else to do but cry with her. I think this reaction from Sara was her missing her fathers physical affection. I feel so badly for her.

About 3 weeks ago, I put Sara in a pre-school about 5 minutes from home. My long time friend, Christine, (since kindergarten!) has a daycare/preschool right in her own home. She has a perfect setting and Sara was familiar with the place and people. She has been there a few times already to play with Christines 5 yr old daughter Juliana. I thought she would be most comfortable here for preparation of J-K in September. I registered her for J-K in April. Sara goes to pre-school every Tues. and Wed. from 9:30 am to 3:30 pm. Apparently she has a great time and she tells me so, when I pick her up. She is no trouble at all and she follows all the rules. The only problem is that she gets very upset when I have to leave her. Last Tues. she really started to cry after I said good-bye to her in the morning. It totally broke my heart. I left as quickly as possible and I cried all the way home. As soon as I got home I called Chris and she assured me that I barely got out the door and she was on a swing, singing! She said this could go on for about a month, before she is confident that I WILL come back to pick her up everytime. I just hope I can last that long!
I've also signed Sara up for swimming lessons. We've been going since the beginning of April. It's a moms & tots thing. We have a fantastic time together and she is like a fish in the water! She goes under the water and opens her eyes and jumps in and loves to float on her back. The classes go to the first week of June. In august, I would like to sign her up for, Ballet. Sara has inquired about it quite a few times. The classes start in September. I think she will have a blast. She loves dancing.

For now I will leave you's all with our latest update...........................................
Take care all and God Bless!
Gina

Spring brings new beginnings...................

Spring brings new beginnings...........as it did today.
Today was the first weekend our trailer park opened. Every year Philip and I would bring the kids to our family sized camper on the first weekend of May. We would always be so excited and anxious to see our dear friends again after the long winter. We would look forward to spending a relaxing and fun weekend with our family and friends.
Shortly after Philip passed away, I had decided to continue going to the trailer-park with the kids. We all know how much Philip loved being at the park. Plus the kids needed to have some sort of stability and familiar plans for each season that passes. I think I would feel like I was wiping away a part of Philip if I had decided not to go at all and sell the trailer. We made many good memories there together and I don't want the kids to forget about them. I look forward to sitting around the campfire with the kids and my dear trailer-park friends and talk about the many memories Philip made for us and many people in the park.
So, today we had one of our new beginnings on this beautiful spring day..............

This day began with my good friends, Bill and Richard ringing my door-bell. They had come to help move my 5th-wheel camper out of storage and pull it to the trailer park. They were even going to set it all up for me, so it was ready to use. Silvo (my brother-in-law) had offered to pull the camper with his truck. He had the proper stuff installed in the back of the truck a few weeks before. The only problem we had today was not being able to find the keys to open the camper. I searched high and low with no such luck in finding them. Well the guys thought of asking the park owners if they possibly had a spare key for emergencies. Smart thinking guys! They had a key! This gave them the opportunity to open the camper up and hook up the gas, water and electricity. The kids and I arrived when they were all done. We saw some of our friends along the way and they were so happy to see us and even said so. It felt good to see them again. They reminded us that we have alot of good friends here and they are always there for anything we need. I had brought Bill, Richard and Silvo some food and drink. That is the least I could have done today. I plan on inviting them over for a huge spaghetti and meatball dinner in appreciation for what they did for me.
Bill and Richard have been so good to me and the kids and their friendship means so much to me. Silvo has been great. He has been helping us left, right and center. I feel so grateful for all that they have done and I'm positive Philip is looking down at you's with the biggest smile you ever saw.
Thank-You from the bottom of my heart.
After the boys left, Anthony and I began to do some cleaning up. I cleaned indoors and Anthony cleaned up outside. Marina and Rafael went exploring and Sara was checking out all the forgotten toys that had been hibernating in the camper during the winter. We originally were all excited about coming. The weather was perfect and our campsite welcomed us with memories of the past summer spent here. Everything was the same as we had left it. Somehow we all slowly found ourselves feeling sad from missing Philip being there. We didn't really talk to each other about it and I think we all didn't really want to either. I decided on this first day without our beloved Philip.......we needed to digest this moment together in a peaceful silence. I'm sure the kids were thinking about memories they had with their father as I also was remembering. I know today was alittle difficult for all of us. I am hoping that the difficult days will eventually lessen and we will enjoy our lives like Philip so desparately wanted for us to do. I have decided to continue coming to the campsite mainly for this reason.
I accomplished alot of cleaning and I plan on coming again tomorrow to finish up and fill the fridge and cupboards with food and drink. I also want to get started on my little garden that I have here.
I hope my decision to return to the campsite is a good one. I will try to be as optimistic as possible on the beginning of our 'new beginning' on this beautiful spring day....................................

May the warmth of the spring sun bring a smile to everyone's face....................................................
Take care everyone,
Gina

My Sara.........My Angel

Greetings to all,
I apologize for not posting on Sunday. We were visiting with my brother-in-law, Luigi and my sister-in-law, Stella , nieces, nephews and extended family at Wanda and John's place. We had a very nice day together and the kids enjoyed themselves as always. They have all been so supportive of me and the kids. I am so grateful to have them in our lives. I intend to always keep it this way. They mean so much to me. Thanks a bunch guys.
This is the second time I am doing this post! I was actually doing this on Monday afternoon and then I had to walk away from the computer for a while. Well I forgot to save it before I told my son Anthony to quickly shut off the computer. A wind and rain storm just suddenly hit us. It only went on for 1/2 hour, but it was pretty bad. Well needless to say, my post disappeared!

My Sara........My Angel............
She had a fantastic day on Sat. April 21st, our "Family Day". Actually we all had a great time together. We started off the day by sleeping in and watching a movie in our p.j.'s and eating breakfast together. We then got ourselves ready and we were off to town. It was perfect weather. The sun was shining and the sky was bluer than blue. While driving, I announced to the kids that today is a very special day. Today is the day Sara was adopted and we became the family we are today. Today is our "Family Day".I want you all to make a big effort to be nice to each other and thats including me! Today we are going to celebrate by having fun together!
Once I arrived in town, I pulled up at Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-through. The kids all Woo-Hooed ! They love KFC, which I only purchase once in a blue moon. We took our KFC picnic lunch to Riverdale Park. Sara began to jump up and down with excitment. Sara has been dying to go to this park as we drove by it many times during the winter. It is a beautifully set up park. It's a large park that is nestled in a forested area and is totally surrounded by huge maple trees. (amazing colours in the fall) It sits off a quiet street and has the local hospital almost right next door. As we arrived we saw the park buzzing with children of all sizes. We headed off to a picnic table and devoured our lunch. There's nothing like eating fried chicken out-doors! After we were done eating, we played fris-bee together. Anthony, my oldest, attempted to show Sara the technique of throwing a fris-bee. After a few tries she finally got it and jumped up and down and did her little dance saying,"Idid it!, Idid it!"Shortly after we headed to the swings, jungle gyms and slides. Anthony, Marina and Rafael were wonderful with Sara as they all took turns helping Sara with whatever she wanted to try next. Each one of them just let loose and had fun. I thought maybe Anthony (Almost 16yrs) would think it wasn't 'cool' To play in the park. Well, no worries, he was right there at the very top of the huge spider web jungle gym! It was such a joy to see them that day, just being happy and just being kids.
After a couple of hours playing I called them over to a more private area of the park. We all sat together on some very large rocks. I had brought some wrapped gifts for them as a surprise. I told them I was giving them these gifts to remember this special day. I told them that I love each one of you very much and each one of you make a very important part of our family. I received hugs and kisses and "thank-you mom, I love you!" I had given them each a necklace with a special engraved message fom me. I helped them with their necklaces and announced,"Lets go for icecream!' We headed for the "Dairy Queen". This place has been around since I was a kid myself! We stuffed our faces with scrumptious, yummy icecream before we headed back home.
That evening we had an Italian/Ukrainian dinner. I had made the Ukrainian Easter sweet bread called 'paska' and a big pot of borsht soup. My mom prepared 'gnocchi' with fresh tomatoes and basil. It was a fantastic meal and Sara enjoyed every bit of it. I only invited my parents and my sister to join us because I didn't want alot of "hoop-la" going on. I wanted the kids to feel that this was our special day to celebrate and be together.
Afterwards, when my parents went home, we looked at the pictures and videos taken in Ukraine last year. Sara was happy to see pictures of her and Daddy. She mostly wanted to see the videos. Sometimes she would get very sad looking at her and Daddy and sometimes I guess it was because of memories she was having about her time in the orphanage. From now on I will take the videos and pictures out only if she asks me to. Over all she enjoyed seeing them.

My Sara...... My Angel.........I will lovingly hold your heart in mine , FOREVER.
I love you...........MY DAUGHTER................Love, Mommy.......

God Bless you everyone,
Gina

"FAMILY DAY"

Hello everyone,
Today is Sara's one year anniversary of the day we took her out of the orphanage for good! Alot of people call this the "Gotcha Day". I've decided to call it our "Family Day". This is the day we all became a new family with Sara. I just wanted it to be fair for all my children. I don't think it's fair to Sara's brothers & sister to have 2 celebrations (today & birthday) for Sara and the rest only their birthday celebration. I definitely don't want to be favouring one more than the other. I want each and everyone of them to feel special. I also want them to know that each one of them is a very important part of our family unit. Today we will spend the afternoon (just us 5) together just doing "stuff" in town and at home. I have also baked the Ukrainian sweet bread called,"Paska" and I also made a big pot of yummy "Borsht soup". My mother will also be preparing a nice italian "Gniocchi" dish. We will be enjoying a wonderful italian and ukrainian dinner tonight. We will also be viewing the pictures and video's we took in Ukraine. I will post again tomorrow to let you know how things went. I hope everyone has an excellent day today. It is the most fantastic weather outdoors!
Ciao and Paca !
Take care everyone
Gina

One Year Ago Today......

Today is March 27th and I had arrived in Kiev with my late-husband Philip..............ONE YEAR AGO.
I remember how nervous and excited Philip and I were. This past week my mind has been flooded with the memories of the last trip Philip and I took together...........and what a trip it was. It was the most amazing journey we ever had experienced together. It is certainly a memory I will always hold close to my heart.

Before I begin, I would like to thank everyone for their heart-warming comments and prayers. I appreciate very much for you's all sending me a message. Pleasantly enough, each & everyone of them came to me at just the right moment. I look forward to reading the comments. It helps to know that people are thinking about us. It is almost 3 months since Philip has passed away. Some days are harder then others. It all depends on what is going on. I am being very patient in taking as much time as possible with myself and the kids to grieve. I don't what to rush things as this will make things worse. I try to talk about Philip or at least mention him whenever I can. It comforts me to be able to talk about him to friends and family. We are all taking it one day at a time. I also try not to hold feelings in. Whenever I have a "moment" arise, I try to just let it go and cry where ever I am. It's hard sometimes because I'm afraid of making someone feel uncomfortable or feel bad. We are all doing o.k. otherwise. The weather has become alot nicer which helps to lift up our spirits sometimes. The winter was making things alittle more depressing.

We just got back from Florida not too long ago. We have been home for a week now. I decided to go to Clearwater, Florida, for the kids March Break. My parents have a condo there. They left here, to go back to Clearwater about a week before I did. My brother-in-law Silvo and my sister Giovanna had asked me before if we would all like to travel with them in their motor-home. They thought it might be good for us to get away for a little while. I agreed with them. Philip and I had already planned to drive down to Florida with the kids in our 5th-wheeler camper. I'm sure Philip would have been very disappointed if we stayed home instead.We all had a nice time and the weather was good the whole time. The kids went into the pool alot and also went fishing & shuffle-board playing with Nonno & Nonna.(grand-pa & grand-ma). We also took them to the beach one day. This was Sara's first time at a beach. She had a blast. She loved how the water would come up and "tickle her toes" and go back out and come back again. She played in the sand alot too. We collected a bunch of the tiniest sea-shells together. I plan to paste them around the pictures taken at the beach. She did not like those aggressive sea gulls. They stole our egg-salad sandwiches right out of our hands! After about a week of being in Florida, the kids were starting to get anxious to come home. Sara started to ask me a week before we left, if she could go home. Everyday she would ask me,"Mama, When we go home? I wanna go home. I miss Mikey(our dog)." For the rest of the week she was not always herself. She was alittle edgy. She was also missing her Daddy alot. Twice Sara got angry and told me she was mad that Daddy wasn't here. I think maybe it reminded her too often of how much she misses her Daddy. Seeing her cousin Samantha (almost 2 yrs old) with her Daddy everyday had gotten to her. She really misses Philip's attention and affection. She still tells me how much she misses him. When we arrived home she was so excited! Sara was as happy as can be. For the rest of the week she told me everyday,"Mommy, I so happy we are home !!!!" She was back to her old self in no time. Actually I'm glad to be back home too. I think our HOME is a "comfort zone" for all of us. This is where we feel safe ,secure and closest to Philip. I'm glad we went away for a little while. It was so nice of Giovanna & Silvo to take us along. I really appreciate that they did this for us.

Today I received a wonderful surprise email! I received an email from our dear driver Leonid in Lugansk, Ukraine! I cried when I read the email. I was so happy to receive it and at the same time I felt sad because I have to tell him the devastating news about Philip. I was hoping and praying that he would contact me. We exchanged addresses, phone numbers etc. just before we said our goodbyes. I had wanted to contact him months ago and I had misplaced his contact information. He said that he has never forgotten us and how we treated him. He mentioned that it was almost one year ago when we first met and that it feels like yeterday. He has asked for pictures and looks forward to hearing from us. I miss him. He was such a gentleman and a good friend.

Well I suppose that is all for now. Take care everyone and please post your messages as I look forward to reading them. Until my next post...........HAPPY SPRING DAYS EVERYONE!...........

Gina

Has this really happened??

Has this really happened to us??
I am still asking myself this question. Part of me is still in shock. I feel like I am in a butterfly's cocoon. I wish this was all a bad dream and I will finally wake up and my Philip will be home again..........

As many of you already know that on the morning of Wed. January 3rd 2007, I lost my husband Philip in a fatal car accident. No warning.......no nothing........He was just suddenly gone from our lives. This is difficult for me to post about as I've already paused to shed a tear. However, I know that I must begin to talk about what has happened. I know in my heart this will help me on this grieving journey that has suddenly become my reality. I barely remember the days that followed. I was doing the motions but I felt like I wasn't there. I do remember the many many friends and family that totally surrounded me and the children everyday. My parents dropped everything and flew in from Florida to stay with me. My dear sister and brother-in-law literally took over the arrangements, announcments etc. Only asking me for final decisions. Silvo also got his band together at the last minute and wrote & sang a beautiful song about Philip. It is called,"The Biggest Heart". It was part of the eulogy that Silvo decided to do also at the funeral mass. I have been over-whelmed with the amount of support and help we have received and are still receiving. I will always be very very grateful for everything everyone has done. It totally warms my heart in every sense of the word.

Philip touched many many hearts. I was aware that he knew many people when he was on this earth with us. The funeral home visits and the actual funeral proved to me and the kids, just how much he was loved. The funeral home director, Barbara, was amazing. She was very kind and helpful. She told me that in the 34 years that she has been running the funeral home, she has never had this amount of people come through to visit. She estimated (by the signatures in the book) over 2000 people came through in our 2-day visiting days. She also said that she has never had so many flowers at one time either. Apparently there were 3 florists in town, who had run out of flowers. At the funeral mass there were approximately over 850 people present. I'm so glad the kids could see how truly wonderful their father was to so many people. He was certainly someone to be proud of.

The children and I miss him terribly. I know they feel just as paralyzed as I feel. My 4 wonderful kids are doing good considering what has happened. My oldest son Anthony (almost 16 yrs) grew up over night. He has suddenly become so mature. Thank God he has a few amazing good friends that have been so supportive. Specifically his long time friend, Billy. He is such a good person. Anthony has broken down many times already. He was always with my brother-in-law Silvo when this happened. Silvo has helped us tremendously. He truly has taken good care of us. My oldest daughter Marina (12 yrs) has also broken down a few times and even wrote a speech about her dad as part of her school project. There wasn't a dry eye in the classroom when she said it aloud. This has helped her through her grieving. Marina also has become more mature over night. I'm also grateful to say that Marina has support from friends and her teacher, Mrs. Alward. Both Anthony and Marina are handling it considerably well with lots of support from good friends and family. I'm most worried about my youngest son Rafael. He's turning 9 this month. He has decided to not deal with it. He has bottled everything up inside. I will never forget him the morning after the accident. Rafael was sitting at the head of the table eating his breakfast. He suddenly looked up at me and asked, "Mom, when is Dad coming home?". I quietly and gently answered," Rafael, you know what happened to Daddy yesterday". He didn't say a word and it became silent. Whenever I try to talk to him about it and try to encourage him to talk to me, he just covers his ears with his hands and tells me to leave him alone. Sometimes he gets up and locks himself in the bathroom and screams,"Go away! I hate you!" Right now he's trying really hard to keep it inside by keeping really busy, 24/7. He is almost frantic in making sure he is always playing with a friend, playing video games etc. He is actually exactly the way Philip was. He was very sensitive and took things personally always. He was the most generous and considerate person you'd ever meet. At the same time he was dramatic and liked to be the life of a party. Rafael is all that and he even looks like Philip did at 9 yrs of age.
My good friend Christine, has given me some good books about grieving. I'm now getting some advise from these books. They have been helpful in beginning to help and understand myself and the kids with our grieving. I have also been making some phone calls to grieving counsellers. I would like to begin to have some counselling for myself and the kids. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things with the kids or even myself. This is a hard situation to deal with, especially when it happens so suddenly and your left with this feeling of shock. I don't want to be creating new problems without realizing it. We have enough on our plates as it is.
Now about my sweet Sara................................................................
She has been an angel sent from heaven above. Sara is truly an amazing child. She has been a saviour for me and her brothers and sister. You will not believe the things that have come out of her mouth. She has helped us through this and doesn't even know it. An example of this is the first day I took the kids to visit with their father at the funeral home. I took them a couple of hours before the very first public visits began. I wanted them to have this time alone without so many people around. I wanted them to remember this time as special. I told them every tiny little detail as I had visited with Philip the day before. I wanted them to know exactly what to expect, so they would not be afraid. As hard as it was to bring my children to see their father, I know they needed to do this so they could have some closure. As we entered the funeral home I told the kids to look at the many many flowers as we walked towards the room Philip was in. My daughter Marina began to get very upset and nervous about seeing her Dad. I gently told her not to be afraid and that we would all go in together. She still said no, so my mother offered to sit with her while we went in to visit. Sara was very anxious to see him. We went in and we quietly cried. Sara talked to him and even lovingly touched him and gave him a kiss. I then left Silvo with Anthony, Rafael and Sara. I went to sit and talk to Marina. Next thing I knew, Sara comes around the corner to where Marina was sitting. She looked right into Marina's face and lovingly put her little hand on Marina's cheek. She then said, " Marina..........don't be scared......come with me..........come and see Daddy with me...........it's O.K..........come on Marina......I hold your hand". She began to pull at Marina's sleeve. Marina began to smile and said she couldn't believe what Sara had just said. I just watched, speechless and in awe at what Sara was saying.....and she is only 3 yrs old. Eventually Marina did go in and afterwards she told me how glad she was that she visited with her Dad.
Sara is still alittle confused but now has a fairly good understanding of what has happened. She has cried many times about how much she misses her Daddy. It breaks my heart to see her like this. When she does this, I just hold her and cry with her. I tell her that I miss him alot too and I wish he was here like before. Sara has also cried out her anger recently. One particular time that I had decided to do holding time with her, she began to scream an angry cry after I asked her if she was upset about Daddy. She got so red in the face. I kept encouraging her to let it all out and told her to tell Daddy how mad she was that he wasn't here. After a little while she settled down and cried a sad cry while she cried,"I miss Daddy so much and I love him so much". We hugged each other and cried together for a bit.
I have told Sara as simple and as gently as I could about what happened to her Daddy. I told her that he got in a very big accident in his big black truck. I told her that Daddy is with Lord Jesus and the angels up in Heaven. I told her that this is Daddy's soul that went to heaven. Right now Daddy is always watching you from heaven. She then asked me why we couldn't go and visit Daddy. I told her that this is just the way it is when someone dies. We can't see or hear them like before. I then said, that right now we can always see and hear Daddy in our dreams sometimes. She seems to be content with this information for now. She has also repeated this information back to me. She is actually doing quite well.
Sara has given us all a reason to smile. She basically helps us to keep afloat and does not allow us to begin to drown in our sorrows. It is impossible to forget to smile once in awhile with Sara around us.
I pray to God to help keep our family together while we are on this journey of grieving and I thank God even more now that we have Sara in our family.
Please feel free to post your comments.
Take care and God Bless,
Gina